September 25, 2021

1. Who am I?

 

If you had asked me a few years ago...
I would have thought things like:
I'm ugly
I'm fat
I'm stiff
I don't have good balance
I'm not loved
I'm tired
I'm not able
I'm worthless
I... could rather be dead...

 

But of course I wouldn't have said that!
I was used to act cheerful and friendly
And I would have said that I was okay,
I was a beloved child of God, my Father

 

Well, that would have sounded great,
but I felt the opposite!
And whatever I did, it didn't work out...
Other christians told me what I had to do
I did... but it didn't work out
Several therapists told me what to do
I did... but it didn't work out
In fact... the situation just got worse
till... I really wanted to be dead

 

How could it come to this?
I didn't know everything about the cause, the reason, but I knew this:
In my childhood people had told me
what to think
what to say
what to do
And woe betide if I didn't...

 

I feared the very angry eyes and voice of my mother
And from fear I was very extremely obedient
It seemed to be the only way to live, to survive
I had no idea this was absolutely not normal

The only idea I've got when I was a young woman:
My mother made me a copy of herself!
When I had known what I know now, I would have understood,
that being a copy of someone else, just means: I was NOT ME!
Someway I felt that, only a little bit,
and I decided to live my life MY way

First question: WHAT is my way?

No idea!

Second question: What to do with my fear what people, specially my mother, would say about "my way"?

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! Too scary!!!

Third question: How to live on?
Just go... struggling, struggling, struggling

And so I went, day by day, year by year
not knowing...
who I was
what I loved
who I loved (everybody, yeah, as a christian...)

and I became
more and more emotionally wounded and locked in convictions
even more tired and more depressed than I was ever before

This felt like it was the end of my story
but it wasn't
I met my soulmate
and together we started a long and deep way of healing from within

To the index: Personal Healing Blog

To the next chapter: 2. My soulmate