October 1, 2021

7. What do I like, what do I love?

Over the years I've lost all kinds of things that I liked
I even lost them in my memory
Things like:
preserving jars
lose tea
long skirts, big shawls (like capes)
sewing, knitting, crocheting, embroidering
which musical instruments to play
what style of music to listen
books, and what sort of
which home decor I like
which food I really love
and so on

Everything was replaced by
things I had to do
things I thought I liked
things that seemed to be good to me (but, to be honest, didn't help me at all)
food that was called healthy food (hoping to get healthier, without good result)

As William, my soulmate, and I started our relationship
my healing process started specially with (re)discovering what I like, what I love
what I like and love from the inside out
I remember, he bought me a collection of preserving jars
and at that moment I didn't remember that I had loved this kind of pots in the past
He bought me loose tea
and suddenly the memory came back
little preserving jars, with loose tea
and how I had loved the bigger preserving jars of my grandma

As we were married, we shopped a lot in second hand shops
we bought a lot of curtains
For what reason?
We had no clue, by William just did what his innervoice told him to do
And somehow I felt he did the right thing
But I still was curious what he would do with all that curtains
Well, he started to drape curtains against the walls
At first it felt strange, I had never seen this before
hmm that was an issue... what are people used to and what will they say
We bought several from the Indian culture stuff
for decoration, to put down, to hang up
And all this together gave me back another memory
As a child and a young adult I longed to live in a tipi, an Indian tent
And now I could see my husband had given me something that looked like a tipi
The atmosphere, wow!
The best compliment about our Indian tent came from my brother in law:
I can just sit here and look around, always discovering new things.
The best was actually how he looked, when he said that, so wow-like, with a deep sigh
He expressed what I felt

In a second hand shop I found a long linen skirt
How I felt in that skirt! Like at home!
I started sewing a same model skirt
I sewed by hand
At first I thought that was to avoid rushing myself
But that wasn't the only reason, it was just because I love to sew by hand
A memory from primary school came back
There I had learned to sew by hand, and I had loved it!

When the skirt was finished, I wanted to make a blouse
From that moment on, I started to loose existing sewing patterns, knitting patterns, crochet patterns
I started to make all kinds of clothes based on impressions my husband and I got together
It's special how we complemented each other in this
Again a memory came back
My first sewing lessons
I had to design my own skirt...
At that moment I couldn't enjoy it, I just was afraid of not being able to do this
At that time I wasn't able anymore to feel, to listen to my innervoice
I couldn't see from the inside out what sort of skirt would be nice to me...
and I had made a terrible skirt!
I now realize how terribly locked up I was when it came to clothes
I had to discover what models I love, what colours I love, what materials I love
Now that we design my clothes together, I notice that designing is a process in itself
No end product comes to our minds
We get an idea, I start working on it, and the idea gets new impulses,
so that the pattern and the work grow into the final product.
Actually, I never have an idea in advance of what the end product will be
and every time the end result is very surprising

Music, I loved to make music
I learned to play the organ
big pipe organs, great!
But I knew that I had always longed to play piano
As a child I knew, I would be able to express myself more on the piano
My teacher didn't agree, but couldn't convince me

 


But I didn't know how to change, so I kept on going with playing organ music
Playing piano is difficult after you have learned to play organ
specially when you have always played what you had to play
the way the teacher told you...
I had never managed to improvise
I wasn't even able to come up with chords based on an existing, notated melody alone
Long story short:
William took me to a music store
We bought a piano
I started to play
I was trying to figure out for myself how everything works
how it feels
how it sounds
The only "lessons" I have got, was by listening to my innervoice
and I enjoy discovering, feeling more and more free, only improvising 
Williams innervoice told him to buy a violin for me
My memories about playing violin are still vague (did I ever long to play violin?)
but I felt the click in my soul
as if a long hidden desire came to the surface
Same story about a cello
I knew I didn't have to take lessons
I would learn to play the violin and the cello myself
by trying, listening, feeling
And it really surprised me what I discovered, learned in about a year
No, I'm not an orchestra violinist
I don't play perfectly
but I try to play from my heart, my soul
and I have only one goal in it: to enjoy!

I was used to listen to classical music
all other music was from the devil, I learned as a child
My husband let me hear all kinds of music
instrumental, songs
and the most important I discovered
whatever style I listen
it just touches me when it is made from the inside out

I have always loved to read, and yes, I still love it!
but... what sort of books?
As a teenager and a young adult I have read farmland novels
But now I have discovered thrillers... wow!
But the same as with the music styles
the books that touch me are the books written from the soul
I have read everything from Nora Roberts (she has written a few hundreds of books...)
In her new books, I experience changings
the changings of this world, not seen by eye very clearly at the moment, but seen by soul
that "proves" to me, she really listens to her inner voice
Her soul tells her what to write and how to write

 

I always liked to work in the garden, didn't I?
Well, that was something I had to do in the past
and I had convinced myself that I loved it
I loved sowing vegetables and herbs
I loved soft fruit bushes,
and shrubs with flowers
Ow yes, I still love the shrubs with flowers
but the rest was bullshit
For the first time I only have sewed a lot of flowerseeds
sprinkled earth over it
and waited
I did not remove weeds, the tares
And they gave us the nicest flowers
Our garden is full of... just life!
And I love it!

From my childhood on I always have felt a longing to help people to heal,
but I didn't know how, and choosed a study and job that really didn't suit me!
But the longing to heal people remained
My husband had the same longing, but like me didn't know how
In the last few years we discovered:
we are lightworkers
And even while it's difficult
when it feels heavy
we love it, specially when we see people healing from the inside out, bit by bit 

What about the works that "has to be done"?
Like doing the dishes and the laundry, cleaning
Well, that has been stabilized to the absolute minimum
Housekeeping is not part of what I love,
but minimazing housekeeping and most of my time doing what I love
make me feel housekeeping is easy

And I have learned something special:
When you do what you love to do, it doesn't feel like work
I can tell you with joy now:
I do what I love and I love what I do!

To the index: Personal Healing Blog

To the next chapter: 8. Process of inner healing, how does it work?