October 1, 2021

7. What do I like, what do I love?

Over the years I've lost all kinds of things that I liked
I even lost them in my memory
Things like:
preserving jars
lose tea
long skirts, big shawls (like capes)
sewing, knitting, crocheting, embroidering
which musical instruments to play
what style of music to listen
books, and what sort of
which home decor I like
which food I really love
and so on

Everything was replaced by
things I had to do
things I thought I liked
things that seemed to be good to me (but, to be honest, didn't help me at all)
food that was called healthy food (hoping to get healthier, without good result)

As William, my soulmate, and I started our relationship
my healing process started specially with (re)discovering what I like, what I love
what I like and love from the inside out
I remember, he bought me a collection of preserving jars
and at that moment I didn't remember that I had loved this kind of pots in the past
He bought me loose tea
and suddenly the memory came back
little preserving jars, with loose tea
and how I had loved the bigger preserving jars of my grandma

As we were married, we shopped a lot in second hand shops
we bought a lot of curtains
For what reason?
We had no clue, by William just did what his innervoice told him to do
And somehow I felt he did the right thing
But I still was curious what he would do with all that curtains
Well, he started to drape curtains against the walls
At first it felt strange, I had never seen this before
hmm that was an issue... what are people used to and what will they say
We bought several from the Indian culture stuff
for decoration, to put down, to hang up
And all this together gave me back another memory
As a child and a young adult I longed to live in a tipi, an Indian tent
And now I could see my husband had given me something that looked like a tipi
The atmosphere, wow!
The best compliment about our Indian tent came from my brother in law:
I can just sit here and look around, always discovering new things.
The best was actually how he looked, when he said that, so wow-like, with a deep sigh
He expressed what I felt

In a second hand shop I found a long linen skirt
How I felt in that skirt! Like at home!
I started sewing a same model skirt
I sewed by hand
At first I thought that was to avoid rushing myself
But that wasn't the only reason, it was just because I love to sew by hand
A memory from primary school came back
There I had learned to sew by hand, and I had loved it!

When the skirt was finished, I wanted to make a blouse
From that moment on, I started to loose existing sewing patterns, knitting patterns, crochet patterns
I started to make all kinds of clothes based on impressions my husband and I got together
It's special how we complemented each other in this
Again a memory came back
My first sewing lessons
I had to design my own skirt...
At that moment I couldn't enjoy it, I just was afraid of not being able to do this
At that time I wasn't able anymore to feel, to listen to my innervoice
I couldn't see from the inside out what sort of skirt would be nice to me...
and I had made a terrible skirt!
I now realize how terribly locked up I was when it came to clothes
I had to discover what models I love, what colours I love, what materials I love
Now that we design my clothes together, I notice that designing is a process in itself
No end product comes to our minds
We get an idea, I start working on it, and the idea gets new impulses,
so that the pattern and the work grow into the final product.
Actually, I never have an idea in advance of what the end product will be
and every time the end result is very surprising

Music, I loved to make music
I learned to play the organ
big pipe organs, great!
But I knew that I had always longed to play piano
As a child I knew, I would be able to express myself more on the piano
My teacher didn't agree, but couldn't convince me