September 27, 2021

3. Relations in past and present

As a child I never felt belonging
I had a sister, but we couldn't get along, we had no click
With none of my familymembers...
And yes, I had two friends, we did things together,
but we had no click from heart to heart
so even with them I didn't feel belonging

In the last years of the primary school, children started teasing me
Already existing questions were reinforced:
Who could I trust?
Who would accept me?
With whom would I feel safe?
Who can I entrust myself to?

As a teenager, in a new situation, I seemed to be accepted by classmates
But the feeling of fear and insecurity was still there in me like a deep wound
So we lived together at school, but had no connection
I was not able to let them come near to me
not even my best friend

Beside children, classmates... I had to relate to adults
Parents, grandparents and other family
Teachers, doctors, trainers, neighbours, churchmembers
I wasn't aware that they were all pushing me in a certain direction
In the direction they live themselves,
based on their own convictions and habits (as a result of their emotional wounds)
I became a prisoner in a web of views, opinions, convictions

As a young child, I could feel my inner being,
I was able to hear my innervoice
Over the years I lost the contact with my soul more and more
And when some questions came to mind, coming from my soul,
I just sort of ignored them, pushed them away
with the words of the adults I had heard around me,
with convictions, impossibilities and so on

Relations... whatever sort of...
I didn't know anything about it
I only knew how to behave like a sort of robot
only in the way people had pushed me
But I didn't know what real relationship was,
real connection with other people
connection from soul to soul

Last year I saw the serie of "The Matrix"
I recognized my world, the world we live in
I just lived in the matrix-system people had given me
And I could only feel the deep lack of being loved, being confirmed...
I was silenced by the people around me
I was silenced, so I rarely heard my innervoice anymore
I was silenced in the way that whatever I said, people didn't listen
I didn't belong
I wasn't worthy of being heard
A deep emotional wound was made through the years
it had gotten worse and worse over the years

 

After the last few years I got more and more healed emotionally
The matrix-system of this world is still there,
but it's crumbling, as a result of innerhealing of people
But that's another chapter, for now I want to share about my own healing

One of the things I really love, is that I can (most times) feel about people of my past
I remember a person, and I am able to feel if I had a certain connection from soul to soul
From all the people around me in my childhood and my years as an adult,
there were only a few

But... and that was my own problem too...
most of this few people were so emotionally wounded and pinned in convictions
that their (and my) soul seemed to be blurred...
So as I tried to feel the connections with people of my past, they were always vague

And when the connections are vague, or even not there...
There can not be real relationship,
no real friendship, no real family

Now I'm healing (from the inside out)
and my (new) friends and familymembers are healing too
Some of them I can feel better now
we can connect more and more
When they say something, that would have hurt me in the past,
I now can listen, feel their pain or conviction,
and I am not hurt by whatever they say anymore.

Vice versa
I notice that they take me seriously
even if they don't understand me
or even when they disagree
And that's new to me!
I am heard!
I belong! I can FEEL it!

Together with our healing the connection grows
And we are becoming more and more real family, real friends!

Do you recognize this?
I hope so!

I want to challenge you to think about people from your past
and try if you can feel if you had a real connection
or you can feel any difference in your contacts with the different people
It will help you make choices in the present
to associate with people with whom you really connect heart to heart, soul to soul

To the index: Personal Healing Blog

To the next chapter: 4. Fears