September 27, 2021

3. Relations in past and present

As a child I never felt belonging
I had a sister, but we couldn't get along, we had no click
With none of my familymembers...
And yes, I had two friends, we did things together,
but we had no click from heart to heart
so even with them I didn't feel belonging

In the last years of the primary school, children started teasing me
Already existing questions were reinforced:
Who could I trust?
Who would accept me?
With whom would I feel safe?
Who can I entrust myself to?

As a teenager, in a new situation, I seemed to be accepted by classmates
But the feeling of fear and insecurity was still there in me like a deep wound
So we lived together at school, but had no connection
I was not able to let them come near to me
not even my best friend

Beside children, classmates... I had to relate to adults
Parents, grandparents and other family
Teachers, doctors, trainers, neighbours, churchmembers
I wasn't aware that they were all pushing me in a certain direction
In the direction they live themselves,
based on their own convictions and habits (as a result of their emotional wounds)
I became a prisoner in a web of views, opinions, convictions

As a young child, I could feel my inner being,
I was able to hear my innervoice
Over the years I lost the contact with my soul more and more
And when some questions came to mind, coming from my soul,
I just sort of ignored them, pushed them away
with the words of the adults I had heard around me,
with convictions, impossibilities and so on

Relations... whatever sort of...
I didn't know anything about it
I only knew how to behave like a sort of robot
only in the way people had pushed me
But I didn't know what real relationship was,
real connection with other people
connection from soul to soul

Last year I saw the serie of "The Matrix"
I recognized my world, the world we live in
I just lived in the matrix-system people had given me
And I could only feel the deep lack of being loved, being confirmed...
I was silenced by the people around me
I was silenced, so I rarely heard my innervoice anymore
I was silenced in the way that whatever I said, people didn't listen
I didn't belong
I wasn't worthy of being heard
A deep emotional wound was made through the years
it had gotten worse and worse over the years