April 2023

19. Compulsive eating and drinking

For a few weeks now, I've been running with the idea that I should start writing about this topic, but it just never came to pass. Thanks to a tweet from someone I follow on Twitter, I have taken the plunge and will finally write about it.

In chapters 10 and 17, I wrote about eating problems, overeating, and trying to lose weight. A seemingly hopeless struggle!
And yet... yet I had a feeling, a certain knowing inside, that there had to be a "solution", that the problem should disappear one day. And I also knew what it had to do with. Actually quite 

simple: our way of eating and how our bodies respond to it have everything to do with how we are emotionally wounded, and.... with the way we have become emotionally wounded. Of course, this is different for everyone, which I think results in one person staying too thin while another becomes overweight, even though they eat about the same.

My weight had dropped about 15 kilos last year by eating a little less. But the next roughly 25 to 35 kilos stayed where they were.
I noticed that shame and guilt only played a minimal role in my fight against the excess weight, but that there was a deep-rooted compulsion in me that "pushed" me to the kitchen to get something to eat. It was driving me crazy!
I knew that this compulsion was the result of woundedness, and that I would have to go through those woundednesses so that they would heal. To be honest, I can't remember exactly what I went through. Which wounding caused which problem? No idea! Doesn't matter anymore either, because last year at Christmas, it was suddenly "over", although sometimes it still comes back to a slight degree. The biggest compulsion is gone! So instead of having Christmas dinner (which we never did anything about anyway), I started cutting down, pretty drastically.
Given all the lousy yo-yo experiences, this was quite a bit exciting. Would I really pull it off this time?
The first week I lost one kilo. After New Year's Eve, I started keeping track of calories for a few weeks to get an idea of what I was actually eating. That was quite disappointing.
The other side of the medal was that in a few days I suddenly dropped down to about 800 kCal a day, mostly without feeling hungry and without feelings of compulsiveness. Bizarre!

It is now early April. After the first three months this year, I have lost 10 kilos, for the first time in my life without any real effort. Minor temptations, slight feelings of hunger, things like that were still there, but I usually let them simmer for half an hour, after which they were all too often gone.

Is the problem 100% over now?
No, not 100% yet. Just in the last two days I have gained over a kilo. But well, I am suddenly retaining fluid and my intestines are also keeping the mess inside. Then things quickly go the wrong way, in the eyes of the scale.
It's annoying, but temporary. I've suffered from it before, suddenly gaining weight again because of those reasons. Because of those experiences, I am pretty sure I am going through something emotional again. And after that, it is possible that I will lose over a kilo in one day...

Oh by the way, about the 800 kCal a day. Isn't that far too little?
According to science it probably is, but I am convinced that this has everything to do with how the whole of humanity has been wounded. Then you just need more or whatever... Anyway, in my own experience, I feel better than ever!

Of course, this is my personal experience, just like the previous chapters.
What is more than personal is that everyone goes through emotional healing. It sometimes feels rather the opposite, but it is not. Try checking with yourself if there were things in your life that are no longer there, or are not as strong now. Stuff like:
fears
pain
anger
sadness
frustration
feelings of guilt
shame
and so on...

I think if you take a moment to think about it, there will be things that have improved remarkably.

We will get there, all of us!