October 4, 2021
10 . Food food food...
In the past...
I had to eat together with my family members... no pleasure, with none of them I had relationship, connection
I had to eat all sort of things my mother set before me... I didn't learn to taste what I really loved, to choose myself what I longed for
I had to eat everything till my plate was empty
And when I scooped too much on my plate, I was told my eyes were bigger than my stomach
At my grandparents house there was no control, I always ate far to much, so I had pain in my stomach and I was nauseous
The food my mother set before me, was healthy (her opinion...).
But as I was old enough to buy myself some stuff, it was unhealthy (her opinion...).
Years later I was able to take some distance of this accusation, and found out, that it was just my mother who had taught me to eat the sort of things I bought myself... how strange can it be!
It was not to late to realize this, but it was to late to avoid injury.
Even more strange it was years later, as I only bought sugerfree food... she condemned and scorned that.
So whatever, I never knew how to do good with food!
Not in her eyes... I had to find my own way!
She was also the one who teached me to diets...
I wrote about it another time
It didn't help me, it just made things worse
It seemed to be true, that you can gain weight from the air alone!
In fact... nothing is about good or wrong
But I just can feel now, how I was caught up in her matrix of good and wrong...
After leaving my parents house...
I became an emo eater (well, even earlier, in my teenage-years)
Eating became compulsive
I HAD TO eat and snack and I HAD TO take a lot
I found out, that the more I ate, the more thirsty I got.
So eat a lot... also drink a lot.
To survive, to get healthier, I started searching for healthier ways of life
I started to eat sugerfree (advice from the doctor because of extreme low blood sugar levels)
It helped for some time, a little bit
I started to eat unsprayed fruits and vegetables, more fruits and vegetables
I gave up meat, eventually even dairy products
I tried everything and every diet people said or wrote they had good expierence with...
Nothing really helped!
Not for my weight, not for feeling better
The food-matrix in my life had become extremely strong!
As the healing proces started...
After being in the healing process for about two years, I can say my soul is doing everything to get me free from the food issues
Important thing I have learned, is that I have to discover what sort of food I love the most.
And... can it be there are some foodstuffs I really don't like? Sort of foods that I always thought I liked...
We started with extreme breakfast: yogurt, whipped cream, fruit and chocolate sauce. It seemed to be a whole pie per persoon
For dinner we ate fries with frikandel about half the evenings
A large bowl of chips every night
In fact, this were all things that were absolutely forbidden food in my childhood, and also in the years of my quest for health!
After months, changes started to occur:
I had to limit quantities for breakfast and dinner.
And I had to learn to feel how much I needed
I had to feel what to take and what not to take at night
I discovered that most times I wasn't able to feel, I just wanted to take...
The wounds were very deep and complicated
There was a variation in what we did and did not eat.
What was absolutely not the intention one week, was possible the next week.
Strange? Yes, it seems to be strange, but it's just the pulling and pushing it takes, to break free from the matrix of the food problems I had
Recently I ate myself full (really too full) of sweets, cookies, grapes, and several sort of snacks
I felt terrible!
Pain in my stomage
Nauseous
The next night I dreamed about my mother, about food, about not being connected...
It felt very strong, in a horribly emotional way.
I already knew, but now in the dream I felt very strongly I didn't belong at all!
Where dreams in the past fixed injuries, they now brought healing
Nice to know after such a nasty night!
My husband and I are used to the fact that our soul picks and pulls through our inner voice, by presenting us different "truths".
These "truths" are important to us at THAT time, for the next stretch of healing.
I understand, but it's confusing at times.
After about two years, I'm still not sure what exactly MY truth about MY nutrition is.
I struggle with questions:
What do I eat and what not?
What food is good for me, what isn't?
Which food do I really like and what not?
And how much? (mainly because of my weight)
I don't feel relaxed about it yet!
I know that I have to go through it, that that's necessary
But at the moment this part of the process is by no means finished
And at times it is super difficult, painful (physically and emotionally), downright frustrating!
This part of the innerhealing process is really big
It just goes to show how deep the problem was...
Alright, I will get totally free and healed from all the food-issues
I just don't know how and when!
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