September 29, 2021

5. My matrix

In my childhood I learned
how to behave
how long to sleep
what and how much to eat
what or who to like or dislike
what or who to disgust
what or who to reject
what or who to condemn

A lot had to do with the convictions of my parents
A lot had to do with our religion, christianity

People were able to convince me, as a child, that what they do is the right, the only way of life
The way they lived HAD TO become my way, for else...
I don't know "what else...", but I know now, that when I had had the courage and a lot more to do and believe what I wanted to do and believe, that I would have had more possibility to become who I am deep within
But that wasn't a question, somehow they already conviced me I had to do it their way
Their general and religous convictions became my matrix
I didn't feel happy or free, but I didn't know that
This way was like normal, this was life, this was childhood

So I was raised Christian
And the rules in the Bible and the church gave me something to hold on to
It felt safe
but also unsafe
what if I did it wrong?
would God be angry?
but the cross... would that work of Jesus not help me through?

Strange to write down now, but I felt attracted to the Bible
First to Jesus, than to Holy Spirit, and at last to the Father
More and more I gave myself to them,
completely surrendered myself to them
and I know for sure, it was my sincere desire to live with them

I remember questions coming up,
as I was a child, but also in the years after
questions without answers
questions about words in the Bible that seem eachothers opposites
or not in line with what church leaders said
when I had no answers, my only answer to myself was:
God knows more than I do, and when He wants to tell me, He will do that at His right moment

The more I surrendered myself to God, personal questions came:
Why do I experience guilt and shame while everything is forgiven?
Why am I still so extremely tired?
Why am I still afraid of other people?
Why doesn't it work like the Bible and the churchleaders tell me?

The general and religious convictions from my parents, teachers, churchleaders
and my own growing matrix-system of general and religious convictions
made it necessary for me to set myself under control
this was good, that was wrong
And... when I did something wrong, I felt guilt and shame
I did everything the Bible and the churchleaders teached me
I confessed my sin
I forgave others what they did to me
I spoke the biblical truths about myself
I worshipped God
I went out to lay hands on people to heal them
I told people the gospel
and so on...

And beside that, I was seeking for ways out my health-problems
therapists, doctors
healthier food
walking, bicycling

For years and years...

Nothing worked out
I was tired, sick, depressed, disappointed
All gladness and joy were gone
Strange enough, everything I did to "heal" (general and religious), had get me even more pinned in the matrix

I felt like living in totall despair...

One day a clear voice asked me to rest
for hours a day
doing really nothing
I knew for sure I had to do it, but it felt strange
I had to do my work, hadn't I?