September 30, 2021

6. What did innerhealing do to my body?

I remember some things from my childhood:

In kindergarten I was "too slow", the teacher said.
When I heard this as a 6 year old child,
I knew for myself (from the inside out!) that I was not slow,
but that I wanted to do my work carefully.
I wanted to make the things right, and beautiful.
Because I knew that for myself, I didn't feel hurt at that time,
I just knew the teacher didn't understand...
But after years the balance between my inner knowing and the words of people changed...
and I started to feel "too slow"...
I tried to work faster, to be faster, but most times that gave more problems.
I made mistakes, dropped things... and I started to feel clumsy.
So now I had two failures: "too slow" and "clumsy".
After a period of time I just felt "too slow" and "clumsy".
And I worked harder and harder to become a perfect girl, quick and clever.
I never reached that level of perfectness...
And that become one of my problems: I was "not good enough"

At kindergarten the teacher thought I was "stiff"
Because my innervoice was strong enough in that period,
I knew what my real problem was: I was "afraid", afraid to fall, to get hurt
So somehow I was afraid to get trouble to my body
When you play outside, or at gym class,
being afraid makes your moves sort of stiff
So yes, the teacher has seen the outside of me
but I saw the inside
The best solution, according to my moms idea, was to go to the gym association
to work on my stiffness
In that period I discovered other problems in my body:
My arms felt "powerless"
so climbing in the ropes was impossible, swinging in the ropes was difficult
And my balance was bad
Doing exercises on the balance beam was a disaster
Spinning around was not possible
and somehow I just loved to spinn around,
I longed to dance, but that was forbidden (dancing would be of the devil)
And for fear of going against this, I didn't try to dance myself
(which might have made me move a little more freely)
In addition to my own problems, the gym association had something that made everything worse: competitions
The lessons were competitive
All things together made the gym lessons terrible to me
And it didn't work out for my good, it only got worse

As a teenager I started to walk crooked, got a slightly arched back,
with drooping shoulders
My mother thought I was ashamed of my early breast growth
Oh no, I just was proud of that!
But I was ashamed of myself, just in general, but I didn't dare to say that to her

I developed pain in my lower back and in my shoulders

My feelings about breast growth was good, I loved it
But, they didn't grow a lot
No problem in itself, but my mother started bullying me:
You have split peas on a board
You are flat as a coin
My sister had the opposite, very full breasts
And my mother asked me not to bully her with it,
it was difficult enough for her
I wondered: why would I bully her, while I feel terrible about you bullying me
But I was to afraid to react...

As many teenagers I got pimples
Not many, but every pimple was one too much!
I needed to get my skin totally pure

What I experienced as a real problem,
I smelled my own sweat a few hours after I washed
I tried all kinds of deo's, even very expensive brands
Nothing helped me!
Shameful...

I guess it was the same age I got more suffer from mosquito bites
and lot more from wasp bites
The bumps, the itching, even fever
The reaction of my body made me fear this insects

From my teenage time I felt overweight!
When I look back, I know I never have had overweight till I was over my thirtieth
As an adult I never understood why people couldn't see themselfs as not being overweight
Now I know, I didn't see it myself in that years because of the way other people talked about themselves, treated themselves like being overweight.
Like my mother, always trying to loose weight, stopping and starting again... With the Yoyo effect as a result
So I didn't have a problem with my weight at all, but I started diets
Not more than 1000 kilocalories a day
My mom was sort of proud of me on that days
But showed me disgust on days I ate normal
The days with and the days without diet alternated
At some time my body didn't know anymore what to do with it...
And somewhere after my thirties, I started to grow
and for the first time I had real overweight...
Diets didn't help me anymore, whatever I tried
I felt guilty, I was ashamed

From about 14 years old I became tired
And as the years went by, it just got worse
I felt like I was always on the brink of burnout
Because of that I couldn't do my job well and felt like a super failure

After my forties I became a bit incontinent
I obediently did my exercises to solve this problem
It didn't work out...
I didn't feel safe, and I was ashamed, I tried my best to hold up my pee,
usually not with too much success
only small accidents, but it felt like a problem

All this problems together made me feel bad about my body
I still felt clumsy, more clumsy than ever before
Added to that was the problem that I didn't know what type of clothes I liked
So it didn't feel like I wanted to show myself

In my whole life (except last few years) there was
no connection
no relation
no intimacy
even no physical intimacy in my first marriage
Only emotional abuse, with words, with looks
I really felt ugly and not loved!

I felt like pinned up in my body, imprisoned...
My body wasn't my friend
My body felt like my enemy
So I did all I could do to help this enemy to become my friend
But all the therapy, the healty food, the keep on moving
didn't help... it got worse and worse

======


As my process of inner healing started, few years ago,
I discovered that ALL of my body-problems
were the results of convictions and emotional wounds
I went through a lot of stuff, emotional stuff
But also physical pain


You know, the convictions and emotional wounds are like piled up and pinned in lower layers
Every little or bigger trouble got stuck in other troubles
Yes, all our beliefs and emotional injuries are one big mess together!
In the process of inner healing, the divine in me, in my soul
spoke
released
healed
learned me to feel
   emotions
   what suits me
   who I am
   my truth
bit by bit, piece by piece
It took years, and this proces is still going on
But so many has been changed!

 

A small summary of what has been changed:

I still like to do things quickly, but without pushing myself
I am able to slow down, without feeling bad
Most times I am the one who "control" the tempo (I, my innerself, set the pace)

I don't feel clumsy anymore
When something doesn't go the perfect way,
its okay, I will see how I can restore it

In the past I have done very many things that didn't suit me
Now mostly I do what I love
That's what make me feel good
not only just good enough, but really good
and that affects the way I get things done

Am I still stiff?
Well, I'm not super flexible, but I'm not stiff anymore either
I still don't like to get hurt, but I'm not afraid of it anymore

Do I still have powerless arms?
When we bought other furniture and had to carry it in and even upstairs ourselves, it wasn't easy but I managed it.
Can I climb or swing in the ropes?
I have no idea, but I don't have any desire for it either
Could it be that it just doesn't suit me?....
Something to think about: at home and at school children have to do almost everything the adults tell them... but does it suit this kids? is it helping them to become who they really are? I can tell you: for sure NO! (for most kids)

How is my balance?
I didn't become a dancer
I have no desire to dance at the moment
Is dancing an activity that suits me?
I don't think so... (maybe once?)
But in the ordinary things like going up and down the stairs with stuff in my hands (so I cann't hold myself), I have a good balance

How is my back?
My back and shoulders are healty!
When I walk, I experience that I walk "proud", not with a slightly arched back,
with drooping shoulders anymore
I don't have to walk this way with my will
It comes from within
It's just there!

Pimples...
Ow yeah, they are still there, sometimes
I feel like they are part of the process I'm still in
Like the mud of the remnant of emotional wounds is coming out through my skin
I try to leave them alone
Scribbing and squeezing is an old habit that is slowly disappearing

I still can smell my own sweat
But not daily anymore!
In the beginning of my process it just got worse
it looked like the shit was struggling its way out
not only from my armpits, but also through urine and feces
And now, after so much healing,
I only smell "dirty" after the little periods I go through a piece of healing again
In that moments I smile, recognizing what's going on, and think:
again some shit is leaving my body...
Actually I can be grateful for this "dirty smell" now
It proves I'm healing a bit more!

Mosquito and wasp bites
I'm not sure, I haven't had any contact with wasps
But some mosquitos have "kissed" me
The result was a little bit itchy
Really only a little bit
I guess my body-system is healing, I'm not overreacting anymore

Too fat, having overweight
Loosing some weight in a the last year was a strange rollercoaster
I mean:
You know that you know that you know...
you have eaten too much today, so your weight must have increased
but the scale indicates that nothing happened
and vice versa
Not only a few times, but almost every day!
There were weeks when I became heavier, or lighter
while I had no idea what had caused it
What I have learned in that year about eating problems is
that it is NOT (only) about what and how much I eat
It mainly has to do with so many things that were stuck in my body
almost certainly before I was born
and with great certainty also in my childhood and adult-years
and my reaction to everything I learned in my childhood (dieting, exercising)
has made that even worse, put all the convictions and injuries together a little more deeply and fastener
One of the very difficult things in the last few months
was my urge to eat
so extremely compulsive!
I had to, I had to...
and I'm very happy that I am a bit released from within now
Sometimes there is still a slight urge to eat something
but it is decreasing!
What have I been eating lately?
I have been eating of anything and everything
It does not matter, I only have to love it! Ha!
The amount has decreased a bit, but I don't count calories
I experience that I have become more  relaxed in my eating habits
And that makes me enjoy the food in a real way! I mean: the taste... in stead of just eating eating eating

Tiredness, I always felt like I was on the brink of burnout
But my energy level seems to have increased a lot
What's more important is that I'm more relaxed
make less demands on myself
almost no more requirements
And because I hardly push myself anymore,
and do the things I really love
the things that suit me
I have energy again
Not enough energy to live a life like before
but that's no problem, for I would never want that again!
I have enough energy to live MY life

I was a bit incontinent
I don't know how it happened
but there is no problem anymore
I now can go to the toilet relaxed...

 

Intimacy
when you feel ugly and your partner make you feel even more ugly,
it's a real surprise when there comes someone in your life who connects to you and makes you feel beautiful
My soulmate and the divine in both of us "worked" together
to heal me, to heal my thousands of emotional wounds
to free me from convictions, so I can live from the inside out
so I can feel who I am
The intimacy between us was and is focused on my emotionally healing
My husband never forced anything
He just followed his inner voice, knowing that that would bring me healing
Do I really feel beautiful now?
Yes, except for some thoughts about my size every now and then
But they no longer determine my feelings
I can say without a doubt that I am happy with myself

Pinned up in my body, imprisoned
No, those kinds of feelings have become rare
I am no longer lived by other people, by beliefs, by injuries
I live from myself, from my soul
and that's real LIFE!

Is my process of inner healing now, September 2021, finished?
No, not yet, not totally
And I wonder who I will be,
how I will feel,
what I will love to do
when it is finished...

To the index: Personal Healing Blog

To the next chapter: 7. What do I like, what do I love?