September 30, 2021

6. What did innerhealing do to my body?

I remember some things from my childhood:

In kindergarten I was "too slow", the teacher said.
When I heard this as a 6 year old child,
I knew for myself (from the inside out!) that I was not slow,
but that I wanted to do my work carefully.
I wanted to make the things right, and beautiful.
Because I knew that for myself, I didn't feel hurt at that time,
I just knew the teacher didn't understand...
But after years the balance between my inner knowing and the words of people changed...
and I started to feel "too slow"...
I tried to work faster, to be faster, but most times that gave more problems.
I made mistakes, dropped things... and I started to feel clumsy.
So now I had two failures: "too slow" and "clumsy".
After a period of time I just felt "too slow" and "clumsy".
And I worked harder and harder to become a perfect girl, quick and clever.
I never reached that level of perfectness...
And that become one of my problems: I was "not good enough"

At kindergarten the teacher thought I was "stiff"
Because my innervoice was strong enough in that period,
I knew what my real problem was: I was "afraid", afraid to fall, to get hurt
So somehow I was afraid to get trouble to my body
When you play outside, or at gym class,
being afraid makes your moves sort of stiff
So yes, the teacher has seen the outside of me
but I saw the inside
The best solution, according to my moms idea, was to go to the gym association
to work on my stiffness
In that period I discovered other problems in my body:
My arms felt "powerless"
so climbing in the ropes was impossible, swinging in the ropes was difficult
And my balance was bad
Doing exercises on the balance beam was a disaster
Spinning around was not possible
and somehow I just loved to spinn around,
I longed to dance, but that was forbidden (dancing would be of the devil)
And for fear of going against this, I didn't try to dance myself
(which might have made me move a little more freely)
In addition to my own problems, the gym association had something that made everything worse: competitions
The lessons were competitive
All things together made the gym lessons terrible to me
And it didn't work out for my good, it only got worse

As a teenager I started to walk crooked, got a slightly arched back,
with drooping shoulders
My mother thought I was ashamed of my early breast growth
Oh no, I just was proud of that!
But I was ashamed of myself, just in general, but I didn't dare to say that to her

I developed pain in my lower back and in my shoulders

My feelings about breast growth was good, I loved it
But, they didn't grow a lot
No problem in itself, but my mother started bullying me:
You have split peas on a board
You are flat as a coin
My sister had the opposite, very full breasts
And my mother asked me not to bully her with it,
it was difficult enough for her
I wondered: why would I bully her, while I feel terrible about you bullying me
But I was to afraid to react...

As many teenagers I got pimples
Not many, but every pimple was one too much!
I needed to get my skin totally pure

What I experienced as a real problem,
I smelled my own sweat a few hours after I washed
I tried all kinds of deo's, even very expensive brands
Nothing helped me!
Shameful...

I guess it was the same age I got more suffer from mosquito bites
and lot more from wasp bites
The bumps, the itching, even fever
The reaction of my body made me fear this insects

From my teenage time I felt overweight!
When I look back, I know I never have had overweight till I was over my thirtieth
As an adult I never understood why people couldn't see themselfs as not being overweight
Now I know, I didn't see it myself in that years because of the way other people talked about themselves, treated themselves like being overweight.
Like my mother, always trying to loose weight, stopping and starting again... With the Yoyo effect as a result
So I didn't have a problem with my weight at all, but I started diets
Not more than 1000 kilocalories a day
My mom was sort of proud of me on that days
But showed me disgust on days I ate normal
The days with and the days without diet alternated
At some time my body didn't know anymore what to do with it...
And somewhere after my thirties, I started to grow
and for the first time I had real overweight...
Diets didn't help me anymore, whatever I tried
I felt guilty, I was ashamed

From about 14 years old I became tired
And as the years went by, it just got worse
I felt like I was always on the brink of burnout
Because of that I couldn't do my job well and felt like a super failure

After my forties I became a bit incontinent
I obediently did my exercises to solve this problem
It didn't work out...
I didn't feel safe, and I was ashamed, I tried my best to hold up my pee,
usually not with too much success
only small accidents, but it felt like a problem

All this problems together made me feel bad about my body
I still felt clumsy, more clumsy than ever before
Added to that was the problem that I didn't know what type of clothes I liked
So it didn't feel like I wanted to show myself

In my whole life (except last few years) there was
no connection
no relation
no intimacy
even no physical intimacy in my first marriage
Only emotional abuse, with words, with looks
I really felt ugly and not loved!

I felt like pinned up in my body, imprisoned...
My body wasn't my friend
My body felt like my enemy
So I did all I could do to help this enemy to become my friend
But all the therapy, the healty food, the keep on moving
didn't help... it got worse and worse

======

As my process of inner healing started, few years ago,
I discovered that ALL of my body-problems
were the results of convictions and emotional wounds
I went through a lot of stuff, emotional stuff
But also physical pain

You know, the convictions and emotional wounds are like piled up and pinned in lower layers
Every little or bigger trouble got stuck in other troubles
Yes, all our beliefs and emotional injuries are one big mess together!
In the process of inner healing, the divine in me, in my soul
spoke
released
healed
learned me to feel
   emotions
   what suits me
   who I am
   my truth
bit by bit, piece by piece
It took years, and this proces is still going on
But so many has been changed!