October 3, 2021
9. Getting free from religion
Before I start, I want to say this: I write about my own journey and I have NO intention to condemn or ridicule anything or anybody!
I was raised in the Christian faith.
In my youth that started to mean more and more to me, in a perfectionist way.
In practice, that mainly meant reading the Bible over and over, from beginning to end.
I started to memorize texts, sometimes pages, and learned a lot of Psalms
They stuck in my memory, I could still remember them years later
I became acquainted with several Protestant and Evangelical churches.
As I continued to spend years in a church, I became well acquainted with their various teachings and practices.
Why did I do this?
Why did I keep going to a different church after a few years?
That had to do with my deep desire for authenticity.
I wanted to find the truth, and I wanted to see it work in practice.
And you will not just find that, you have to search for it.
And bad enough, as real as it seemed here and there, at the bottom I could only discover that it wasn't really real anywhere.
The questions that came up from within, from my soul, from my heart, were not answered by any church in such a way that I could actually do something with them.
Questions about contradictions I found in the Bible were bypassed.
Regarding my desire to feel better physically, mentally, and emotionally, I was given many practical tips (usually explained in biblical words)
I followed that
People prayed for me and with me.
Unfortunately I didn't get any results, it didn't make me any better.
I could write much more on this subject, but that is not my aim.
What concerns me is that I had completely and deeply surrendered myself to Jesus, to the Holy Spirit, to the Father, out of a deep heart's desire to be as He intended me to be.
I was sincere, longing, seeking...
I found all sorts of things, but didn't get anywhere with it.
And I searched further.
I was so caught up in the Christian belief, the Bible, that I never came up with the idea of looking inside myself...
I married my soulmate, some years ago.
He had the same longing: to know the heart of God, to know the truth and nothing but the truth
He was used to asking God thousands of questions
He heard answers in his head, in his heart, even in his belly
Mostly not like real voices, but like unspoken words and feelings
It took him years to search, to learn to listen, but...
He learned to listen to his innervoice
He learned to trust his feelings
The feelings of wrong answers were different from the feelings of answers of truth
During the many car journeys we've made over the past few years, he was driving and asking questions, looking for answers, feeling if answers were right, he just kept going.
I remember a very special moment.
It was about my soulmate's search for answers about the different voices in him, where did they came from
His innervoice teached him something about our soul.
In our soul there would be four "wells", "sources".
The "basic source" was provisionally called Papa, the other three sources were given human names for the time being.
I write "for the time being", because our innervoice does not always tell us "THE truth", but what we need or can handle at that moment.
That was "our truth" for that moment
I remember that special moment, my soulmate parked our car beside the road and started crying and screaming, a very intens crying, as if his life depended on it (and in fact it was)
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