September 28, 2021
4. Fears
I was never aware that there are so many things to be afraid of...
Strange thing is, that I have been afraid of things I even didn't know
They just became a sort of normal, just a part of my life
They were so included, I even didn't recognize them as fears anymore
But they came along during the process of innerhealing...
Fear for people
The first I could remember was that I was afraid for the angry reactions of my mother.
Her condemnation, her rejection
with an angry face, very angry eyes and an angry voice
And this fear has been growing and growing towards other people
I was afraid of everybody who could be able to possibly give some rejection
Fear for the insects that can sting you, especially the wasp and the bee
but even the mosquito
Actually I love insects, they are beautiful
But this stinging ones... yeah, they are beautiful too...
but the results of their action... terrible!
My body sort of overreacted
That was the reason I was so afraid of this little stinging animals
The strange thing was that that fear also spread to other little ones, like beetles and spiders
even those super little flies, coming from potting soil
Fear for the real dangerous animals
Like snakes, lions, crocodiles
Strange to be afraid of animals that don't live in my country...
Fear for violence in movies
too exciting movies
I often walked away during watching!
The same in books, but not that extreme
In reading this sort of books I only took a little break
Fear for violence in reality
wherever in the world
presentated by journalists
or the possibility of whatever catastrophe to come here
what if...???
Fear for sickness
Reading articles, seeing movies or documentaries about whatever sickness... was difficult
I was afraid of getting the same
This fear for sickness was so strong, that it felt like nothing was allowed to be wrong in my body
Even pimples, little aches, common cold
Ow, all that stuff isn't nice, of course not, but I was afraid of it, and that's not okay!
Fear for being extremely tired
I have been tired from my teenage-time
It only became worse
It looked like waves, sometimes little better, sometimes worse
I was afraid of becoming so exhausted I would loose life...
Fear for traffic-situations
My soulmate is a very good driver, but...
how many times did I step on the brake (that wasn't even there for the passenger seat)
how many times I warned him for pedestrians, cyclists, other cars
and felt that deep fear...
Fear for fire
That seems to be normal, but...
That fear was noticeable in all kinds of little things
burning candles, cooking food, strange smells
I was very alert, overreacting
Fear to lose control
To survive I had learned to control myself
I was afraid to forget what I had to do...
what would people say about that??
what would happen??
So I always made lists, to be able to check
and that controlled my life
Fear for becoming emotional
That felt like loosing control too
Well... I had learned not to cry, not to scream, not to get angry, even not to show gladness!
So badly, I couldn't feel them anymore
But sometimes my emotions,
caused by emotional wounds,
deeply hidden and trapped,
wanted to peep out...
Scary!!!
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Results of the healing process
Before I tell you about the result...
About the healing process itself
I will tell you in "chapter 8"
But now the results of the process for the subject "fear"
Fear for people
I feel more strongly than ever that I am who I am
I don't only know, but I also FEEL who I am
I don't need agreement and afformation anymore to accept, to love myself
I may have my own opinion, my own way of life
And when people have other ideas or ways, that's no threat anymore
I'm no longer afraid of what whoever can think or say
Extreme reactions of rejection and condemnation can touch me a moment...
but only that moment
After that moment it's gone!
The insects
I started just by staying still, watching them
goosebumps everywhere, feeling...
But through time I was able to stay longer, without goosebumps
The little flies are allowed to be around me, walking on my hand
(they seem to like it, almost every evening there is a little fly walking on and around my hand)
Spiders in our house, I catch them and most times I bring them to the garden
Beetles and flies may walk on my hands (as I liked as a kid)
The stinging insects... my reaction to them has calmed down
A few days ago I was able to lead a wasp out of our kitchen towards the garden, very calmly
I no longer chase the mosquitoes to kill them, I blow them away with my hand
Even the fysical result of their sting has calmed down
Seeing dangerous animals
I love seeing dangerous animals
just because they are beautiful
They can scare me up when they come in action
but I don't feel that deep fear anymore
Violence in movies
I still don't love to see movies with a lot of dangerous and violent actions
but I've seen a lot of Marvel movies, and others...
and the fear isn't that deep anymore!
There is only that tension that belongs to this sort of movies
Real violence in this world
It's terrible, of course!
But the fear that it would possibly be possible to come to us... is gone, although I realize there is threat of war
Sickness
Well Covid-19 showed me I had my thoughts about becoming terribly sick, but I had no fear anymore
And all that little things that had teased me?
They can be there, but they cannot tease me anymore with fear!
Exhaustion
Being tired was caused by so many other things
I would love to sum up all these things as "I wasn't who I was",
I lived a role, captivated in a matrix
That's very exhausting!!!
By becoming free and emotionally healed,
I am no longer lived by convictions and fears
I just LIVE! I am who I am!
Totally? 100%?
No, not yet, but i'm getting close
Fear for traffic-situations
Last few years we drove a lot, by car
It took a lot of confrontations to heal from my traffic-fear
Sometimes my husband forced breakthroughs by doing things he knew I was afraid for
Why? Isn't that cruel?
Seems so, but it wasn't
He knew that everytime I would been confronted with this situations, it would give me healing
He only brought me in confronting situations
when he was very sure from the inside out,
that he had to do it to bring me freedom and healing
But most of my fear-related reactions slowly disappeared just by driving, being in the traffic madness
It took a lot of months, I guess even a few years
but now I can sit beside my husband, totally relaxed
Fire
I just read a Nora Roberts book "Blue Smoke"
And in the same days we smelled strange stench at some place in our house
we found out that it had to do with certain lamps
It touched me, specially at night as we wanted to sleep
What if...
But I felt something wonderful:
this "what if..." consisted only of thoughts and a little bit unpleasant feelings
but no longer of that deep fear
Loosing control
Like I told before (see the chapter "My soulmate"), my husband was used to do what his soul told him to do
So... in the beginning of our process he told me kindly I had better quit my worklist
I can still feel how my emotions and my body reacted at that moment
Both cried NOOOOO, but deep down in my soul I knew, I had to quit that list
So I did
and took it back
quit it again
took it back
made it smaller (only the most important things were allowed to stay)
I wrestled and wrestled and wrestled...
And now? I can tell you I'm free from THE worklist!
Also other lists are gone, or becoming smaller and smaller
Emotions
I remember the first time I really broke out
I cried and cried
I screamed my frustration in the air
It took some time, half an hour?
I don't know, but I calmed down
In this situation my husband only sat beside me
He didn't say a word, didn't touch me
Why? Because he knew from the inside out, that it would stop the process if he would do something
And despite it was hard for both of us, he let me go through it
knowing that it would heal me
After that first time there never came a second time like that
Emotions are no longer like a torrent but like a calmer wave
Being sad, angry, happy... whatever emotion there can be
it's there, but in a more healed way
I think I haven't mentioned a lot of fears yet
That's okay, I don't need to be complete
I just want to encourage you:
whether you have few or many fears,
they will diminish and disappear,
thanks to healing from within
To the index: Personal Healing Blog
To the next chapter: 5. My matrix
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